Either my body’s changing or the way I look at it is.
For example, I’m fairly sure that my legs are the slimmest they’ve ever been in my life. But last Saturday I went to put on a white summer dress I love that I’ve had for a few years. And for the first time I struggled to get it fastened. B zipped me in and I could feel the back flab oozing over the top of the dress.
Mental doom ensued, where I repeated ‘You are not fat, you are not fat, you are not fat’ to myself like a mantra, all the time knowing that you can’t contradict the evidence of a non-fastening zip and excessive back fat. But I still think my legs are the slimmest they’ve ever been in my life.
So what’s the truth? Am I actually fatter but just love my legs more now than I used to? Or am I carrying weight in different places to where I did five years ago?
Or was it just a warm day when I was retaining more fluid than normal? Perhaps on a cooler day that dress would fit fine… I daren’t try it on again for fear that that’s not true. Ignorance is always bliss.
The consequence of the non-zipping dress was, that even though I put on something else that fits fine and would normally make me feel fabulous, I felt flabulous instead – stuffed into it, like sausagemeat into skin. Prick me and I’ll pop.
I sat all night thinking about the way my mummy tummy spills out over the top of my waistband. And then I thought about the fact that I have a mummy tummy but am not a mummy. Is this an age thing?
The next day, I came home still feeling generally rubbish about myself, compounded by the fact that a bird had pooed on my head on my way home. I sulked a bit and B laughed at me because objectively, I am not fat. Plus my mum thinks I’m nice.
Nevertheless, I declared that I was going to stop all alcoholic drinking and eat nothing but vegetables. A few hours later, I was stuffing myself with lovely Chinese take away and drinking champagne – a last supper with RM.
It’s all a state of mind. I’ve got the slimmest legs I’ve ever had in my whole life. Therefore, I am not fat, I am not fat, I am not fat…